The Generous Spirit

...how incredible and what a divine path you’ve chosen. You're in for one wild ride.

I know something, someone, some thought, some moment is right for me because when it happens, my mind stops spinning its wheels. When they arrive, my heart softens. When the moment enters my body, I’m peaceful again. There’s a pause in the perpetual rhythms of the stories we tell ourselves.

You can get stuck in pain. It’s like a vortex, once in, it can eat away at the very light that is you, suck at your soul like a leech with sharp teeth and drive you to the ends of despair. I’ve spent years trying to heal my various afflictions, but with such laser sharp focus and self attention, that I completely missed the point. There was a finish line that I ravenously sought out, only to become despondent once I recognized the futility of such concentration. What I was trying to do was fix the problem with all this action, and all this action was the very thing that caused my problem in the first place. What I failed to recognize was there was nothing to fix. If anything, the only thing that needed ‘fixing’ was my own perception of what happened and the idea that the solution would come through aggressive DOING. You see we cannot fix a problem with the same energy with which it was created.

I don’t remember who said this but someone really smart did.

But here’s the part that gets my goat. When I finally made it to the other side of that story. When I finally softened my lens of perception, and it usually took about a decade, another unravelling comes along and punches me in the stomach. Does it ever stop? How can I heal this shit?

Why does the universe keep giving me the same trauma to overcome just disguised with a different #hashtag?

This is what I’ve come to understand about myself. This lifetime is the one I’ve chosen to transcend old worn out beliefs about what it means to be a beautiful woman and a healer. The upside of this is, “Oh wow, how incredible and what a divine path you’ve chosen. Yes of course this is true. And… and part of that path entails, “Oh fuck this is a BIG, huge leap in your evolution so buckle up and breathe babe. You’re in for one wild ride.”

It seems to me that our soul’s evolution can only come about on the earth plane, when it is met with enough resistance, to finally break it wide open and let it fly with wild abandon.

Like a light switch, your sob story (and every bit of it is valid) can shift into a story that ignites you. Anger, rage, and injustice can transmute into action. And that action can be the answer you were always looking for. Tending to our wounded selves with love and devotion is active, it’s just not external and goal oriented. And while we tend to our beings like the big, balls of beautiful radiant light that they are, we also turn the gaze outward and look around us. For the need within is also healed when given to another.

Has there ever been a more fitting time to take some attention off of ourselves and look around us? I have, in all my myriad attempts at mending my physical body, never quite been able to heal these afflictions by solely focusing on the problems. Usually, my stuff cleared up or just stopped being so pressing, because I stopped thinking about it so much. I was too busy living and helping others. Divine intervention ie. meeting my husband, moments of inspiration ie. doing a self reiki course, and self care downloads ie, doing a direction of energy release on my inflamed oozing eye, came to me when the time was ripe. People ‘seemed’ to appear to help me when I wasn’t looking for help.

Healing happened when it happened.

Did I deserve it? No. Was it painful? Yes. Would I wish it on another? No. Do people have to go through this kind of trial by fire in order to awaken and evolve? I think that’s none of my business. Hopefully not, as more wake up faster and younger, I just know I did. It would be so easy and palatable to say something soft and sweet here which is why I won’t do that. I don’t want to candy coat over pain. I just want to express how it doesn’t have to be all for nothing. Your pain does not have to define who you are. It’s a part of you, it can be honoured, integrated and woven into the tapestry of your life, but it’s not the ending. It’s a gateway to something bigger, something more generous. I like to think of tears as water for the earth. It nourishes the soil, brings seedlings to bud, regenerates the world and everyone living in it.