The Two Arrows: Trauma and the Inner Critic

She is my protector and defender and clearly she is trying to get my attention.

I talk a lot about trauma. I know people associate massage therapy with relaxation and chilling out but I got into this profession as a vehicle to help people heal their bodies and minds on a deeper level than just that. I don’t mind when someone comes in and just wants ‘relaxation”, that is all good, but I love when someone comes in and wants more. They might not come out and say it in words, but my gut and intuition speak to me and communicate that this client is looking to delve and heal whatever it is that’s clawing at them.

A lot of the time, they are not even aware what’s going on, they just know something’s not right and they need re-balancing.

I like to meet people where they are at, AND try to encourage the clients who I feel need more and yearn for healing on a richer level to do so. This probably stems from my own journey with trauma and healing and with lived experiences. When it comes to chronic pain, inflammation, auto immune diseases, cancer or PTSD, among so many other health challenges, I feel called to soften the body’s second arrow ( I will describe this). I know firsthand the emotions and pain that arise out of the first arrow can be so much more debilitating than the actual trauma itself and in many cases worsen the symptoms someone has.

Ron Siegel, who specializes in the psychophysiology of pain, illness, injury, insomnia and gastrointestinal issues explains the two arrows like this. “life shoots the first arrow: something difficult happens. We get an injury, we get sick, we face a loss, we struggle with a disease, and that is the first arrow. But we are the ones who shoot the second arrow. The second arrow is shot when we add to our pain and suffering by how we talk to ourselves and others about what is happening with us.”

So these are the arrows. The first one sucks for sure, and I don’t want to snuff it out, but it’s the second one that has terrorized my soul for the last twenty years.

I know the second one so intimately because those mean, unforgiving thoughts were formed in childhood and reared their ugly heads at me when I grew up. I’ve given her a name, this vicious beast, and her name is MEAN MOMMY.

Here’s what I’m learning about MEAN MOMMY. I don’t want to feed her but I can’t ignore her either. She is my protector and defender and clearly she is trying to get my attention ie, “please slow down and be more aware of your surroundings, interactions and feelings because this is causing you pain”, but I can’t give her full reign either because she goes about getting my attention with shaming, guilt and critique attacks! She is extremely stubborn and the more I try to push her underground with any of the following measures, drinking, getting high, bad food, shopping, attacking, numbing out, the more she flares in my body and manifests in symptoms. You cannot fight fire with fire. And so in this midlife season I am working in a softer more loving way.

I can only hold that space for others if I allow it for myself.

This is a challenge for me, because it’s so much easier to give this compassion than receive it. Everyone else deserves this grace but me, HECK NO!

So how do we engage with her? We acknowledge the beast, we allow her existence and don’t shove her down. For God’s sake, she is trying to help us survive this world, and without her maybe it could have been a lot worse. We give her a room with a window so she can calm down and pull the blinds up to let some light in. Then, we give our bodies the permission to be with what is, without that added pressure, and breathe deeply into the spaces that yearn for our presence and attention.